Abcess makes the heart grow fonder

I have an abcess,it grows where all the hope in my heart was. I am starting to doubt my partner. How could he take my medication. I have been short 3 times, and the pain is unbearable.
Not just the physical pain but the metaphysical pain also. I wonder if he even thinks about what it does to me when he takes my medication. I am aware your doctor has not sent you to pain clinic. You have had the offer of surgery, they do not offer me that, even when I beg.
I will try to stay more on top of this blog so I can maintain my sanity in the world of pain I know. Pray for me, I need it

Support

I don't know what is worse, the pain or the lack of support. maybe the problem is with the people around me. I believe there is a better life at the end of this world.
My husband likes to threaten me with my beliefs. It's kinda like living with someone who threatens suicide by overeating all the time, I'm gonna do it, don't make me eat this cake, it's goons kill me. Get a life. There gets to be a point where you are like, how is this a threat to me? You kill yourself, and I am supposed to be feeling guilty, you know the consequences, you are an adult.
Don't threaten me with your stupidity. I know cutting my body parts off isn't an option, but sometimes I am like, please cut it off, even if it doesn't fix the pain, maybe it I'll fix the people around me...

Nerve Blocks and Overdoing it

November 2nd, I am having another nerve block. Last time I had 3 days pain free, and if they work the way the stellate ganglion blocks did then I could have the same, but I have to not overdo.

DO NOT OVERDO, DO NOT OVERDO,DO NOT OVERDO,DO NOT OVERDO, should be my mantra. I always overdo. One good day is directly followed by 4 bad ones, cause I overdo. Seems like this should only be allowed to happen to people who are no severely type-A personalities. You know the kind of people who don't freak out when the soup is in the same area of the pantry as the vegetables.

Playdates

My dog has playdates. Some people think its funny she does, but I need her to have playdates. It makes me step outside the pain and think of something besides living in a world shaded by the blues and reds of pain and anger.
She is a good dog, she knows when the pain is bad and lays carefully on my legs, and quietly waits until I can get up and take care of myself. She checks on me in the bathroom, wants to ride in the car with me, and sometimes she just lays her head on my chest when I cry. How much more of a therapy dog, could you get?
But she has playdates, and people laugh. I don't laugh. I hate not leaving my house for weeks at a time, hiding in the pain, lying to myself so I will get out of bed, promising myself this will get better.
I schedule playdates, for her and for me. What am I gonna do all winter when it rains, and we are stuck in the house??

Time and how it fades

I have not been feeling well. One of the meds I take causes weight gain. I know of people who quit taking it because of the weight gain, and went to another drug. The other drug is not an option for me. It gives me migraines, so of course, I cannot take it.
The weight makes it hard for me to work out. I have changed my diet and that of my family. They have all lost weight, and have gotten healthy. My weight has not gone down at all.
We all work out. We walk, play on the Wii, do Wii Fitness, and everyone in my family has lost weight, and they are in better shape. I do more than any of them, and my weight stays the same.
In facebook there was a post which said women don't get fat, its just all the knowledge leaving our brains and falling down. So when you look at your big behind, you are supposed to think how smart you are. I don't, I think what am I doing wrong. I keep trying and keep trying, but my brain won't think that way.
SO Im fat, depressed and in pain. How do you get past this? Any ideas? I would happily welcome any ideas.

Crying at Commercials

Sometimes is hard to identify when you are depressed. I call it my dark path. Its the one you know not to go down to but like the blonde in the horror flick who is standing at the head of the stairs calling to someone below her, you always take the first step even though in your head you can hear someone yelling at you not to do it.
My doctor tells me its called situational depression. It means I am depressed because the place I am in with the Chronic Pain issue. It means if I was not in pain, then I would probably not be depressed. I take a depression medication, and I know I am supposed to be taking them everyday. But every once in a while, I forget for a day or two.
I can tell when it is starting again. First the sad show on television makes a little lump in my throat. Then the shows make me get tears in my eyes, and eventually even commercials make me cry. I know then I am headed down the dark path.
Situational Depression is a hard. You know you should be fine, but you just can't seem to get a smile going. Everyone deals with situational depression at some point. Life happens, you step into a mess and it bothers you. But what happens when the situation doesn't change.
You deal, sometimes its good, mostly its bad, but you deal. I really don't want to deal anymore. I want to just have a nice day, a happy moment and my life back...

Narcotics and saying no

I take narcotics, large quantities of them. I do not choose to do this. I take them to get through the day and night. I have learned there are two sides to taking medications.
There is the stigmata of taking narcotics. Because so many medications are habit forming most persons assume if you are taking them you are addicted. I assumme at some level you are. Physically when we find a solution to my chronic pain, I will go through a period of withdrawal. I am willing to accept this. But medically there are ways to get through these times. My doctor and I have discussed the way I take medication and then the issues I will have as I withdraw. This is a stigmata I can live with.
There is also the mental addiction. The need for them in your mind. I have found by maintaining the attitude I am taking these medications for a short time, and keeping a journal of when and what I was feeling has really helped me avoid the thought I have to take medication forever. This is not to say there are not people who cannot stop once they start. I am fortunate to not be one of those.
The other side of taking narcotics is there are so many people who assume, since you take them you are willing to share with them, or at least sell a couple of them. I lost a friend because I refused to sell her any of my pills. I would not let her "borrow" the medication, and I explained to her repeatedly if she needed pain medication she should see her doctor. Instead she found a new friend who shares with her.
Being in Chronic Pain and taking medications really does limit the ability of friendships, but it is even harder when you have to watch each person you meet to gage if they are your friend for who you are and not for what you take.

Forgiveness

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is forgiveness. Forgiveness of self is the hardest. First you have to find the truth living in your heart. The one you don't tell others, or even yourself.

I had to forgive myself for working long after I knew I was hurt. I knew it was bad. I had to forgive myself for being a workaholic. I hated the world, I was so mad at the company I worked for, who just dropped me like a hot potato after the insurance company paid me a little bit of money. Then when I was denied disability, the insurance company who was paying me convinced me I should try go to work, and so I tried it, not know they would immediately take away my disability payments. 5 months later when I couldn't work at all, and could barely get out of bed, I was broke, depressed and angry. They were amongst the last I forgave.

I forgive the people who forget where it hurts and who grab the painful area. I don't go to the hard areas. I forgive my family for the times they were angry and frustrated. I had to tell them I love them. I miss the days when the days were all good, and the days were easy.
I want to have my old life back. I want to go back to work, and cooking. I want to swim, ride bicycles, and work out at the gym. I want to travel with my family. Skiiing, Snorkeling, and snowboarding, I miss all these things. The hardest thing to forgive is the lack of a life.

Lazy Days and a thought about going broke

Its funny, funny-sad how you wake up one day and you are 30 lbs overweight. Its very hard to be the fat mom. I hate running out of breath when I run after my son. I hate those days when you are out of energy and trying desperately to be awake and yet being out of energy.
Its funny how when you wake up and you look around and see all the things you need to do, then you sit down and wait for the energy to get caught back up.
It never comes and then you wait, and you get a pillow. I hate this life. One doctor I had gave me NuVigil samples which really helped but when I got the prescription, I found out the cost was over $100. Since I can't work, I can't afford the cost.
I applied for Disability but it takes years to get it in place. First they told me I wasn't disabled, so I tried to go back to work, it took me almost 6 months to get back to where I was prior to the day they told me I could work, and I tried for 5 months. So I sit at home waiting to go broke, oh wait I am there. The government has trillions to spend on banks who spend millions on bonuses, but the little people are dying here.
Perhaps if I could get disability I could get back to physical therapy, and get back to work. Or maybe I should just ask for a bailout.

Missing Blogs

So as some of you have complained there are some missing blogs. They are not missing, it has been a long long month.
I have been busy trying to live my life. I needed to paint and as some of you know it is hard to live in pain and do housework. I hate the need to live in the insanity.
I take another pill, I fall asleep. I take another pill, I get grumpy. I hate this life.
I want to be able to dance, raise my arms and play. I want to paint a wall, clean my cupboards, and still have the energy to chase my dog through the park.
But I will try harder

Long Long Days

The last few days have been so hard. The weather is changing and the cold makes the pain hate me.
I don't hate the cold, i used to love it, skiing , snowmen, snowball fights. These are the things chronic pain takes from me. I can feel it in my heart and the cold is near and makes me angry.

i do not think I can sound another winter hiding in my home, having a nerve block on the second, and then perhaps it I'll be a bit better...

If not perhaps the new blog title will be, my life in the asylum or why I am not allowed sharp objects in lockdown. Yep there are those days.

Its gonna be a day

When the pain is so great I cannot focus, I am grumpy and today is lining up to be that day. I can always tell when it starts, my shoulder tightens up, my neck spasms, and then the pain starts slowly climbing, and it becomes a painful scream in my arm. I am never sure how to handle the day until I wake up. Last night I was up until 3 am, when finally exhaustion overtook me. Like a theif in the night, the pain came with the morning, startling me out of a deep sleep. Here I sit telling you how bad the pain is, trying to hold on to the fact I am only 3 hours from my scheduled medication cycle. I can make this. I can survive. I think a nap, I will take half an ambien, then I can curl up and sleep the next 3 hours away. Stay with me, sanity. Its gonna be a long day...

What Now

Today I went to the pain clinic. I was wondering what was the next step, what do we try next, where is the next stop on the pain train. I wanted to know, but I was not finding out the answers I wanted. I talked to the doctor, and she said she did not know what the next step was. She was going to talk to Dr Ficks, and yes it is pronounced Fix. She said she just didn't know. The problem we have run against is that we have consistently tried everything, and it has not worked.
I do not believe I am the person who will live on pain medication for years and years. I want to believe I will wake up one day, and there will be an answer and the pain will be gone. I know magical thinking is not what is going to happen, but I still want to believe it will get better.
I want to wake up and go to work, I want my life back. I want to go to the gym on a daily basis and not stress that today, I will not be able to run the race.
I will not quit, these days will not beat me into a puddle of mudd. I won't allow the world to win. I will fight through those moments of black. I will make it a better day.

New Years Revolutions

So many people set themselves up for failure. This is called a new years resolution. Things like I am going to go to the gym more, eat less pizza, no more McDonalds. And some will abide by these resolutions like a fanatic to his guns, but most of us, we won't. So this year I have no resolutions, I instead am having a Revolution. My mind is in direct conflict with my body, which has decided, it hurts, so it has quit, while My mind is explaing we will win.

Yeah, its a hard place to be lol. But, since I am here. I will not allow a stubborn body to win, My mind and I will storm the walls, hurls stones at the waves of despair and we will come out Victorious.

They will be small victories, like 1 less pill a day. I will find a job, I will go to the Bible Studies. I will surrender to no small amount of despair or desperation. The Battle Cry is ringing out and my chubby thighs have been put on notice. Pain will not win this day.

Chronic Pain and the Public Eye

Yesterday was cold. It was one of those biting days, where the cold just sneeks in and bites you. Those are some of the worst days of my life. They cause me to cry, the pain is worse in the cold. But John and Jane Q Public look at me and they don't see the fire burning in my arm. They don't see the hours spent not sleeping, just sitting in your bed, waiting for the ability to sleep.
What is this blog about, its about those little handicapped spots, the blue area.
Yesterday, when I went to the store, I heard your little comment about "lazy" and "won't walk the extra 20 feet". When you see someone get out of their car, don't assume you know what is wrong with them. If I had done you a disservice perhaps you could be snotty, but I did nothing to you. I did not hurt you by walking across to the door. I did do my family a great service though, they had milk when I got home where before they had none as I was not able to leave home to get it. The pain was too great.
So when you see me or anyone else park in the handicapped spot and we rush into the store, don't get angry, just be grateful. Today you could shop, you could walk across the parking lot without pain. You could get a hug, rough house with your kids and not have to live with the pain.