Everyone wants to help

Have you ever noticed how everyone wants help you when you have chronic pain issues? They all have worked with dozens of people just like you and they are all doing fine now.

I'm not doing just fine, the fan running in my bedroom, sometimes causes a breeze along my body, and the pain is like a napalm fire, like through the bone, muscles, cells, and it makes me hate how you sit in your air-conditioned rooms, with smiles of comfort.
  I know the summer is better than the winter, no clothes to rub against me, no icy fingers spreading along my spiny with the touch of desolation. I feel the warmth of the sun on my soul, pulling me into a drowsy lull, and when I drift, the cauterizaton of my flesh stuns me awake. A few minutes to long, the color of my skin is red, and I have guaranteed myself weeks of unrelenting pain.
  Maybe summer isn't better. Fall is better, but the nights are getting cold, and the warmth of the sun is now offset by raindrops, falling onto my skin. Spring, spring will be better, for I will have endured..


  Pain,
defies the seasons
aborts reason,
and I stand here,
alone, dark, terrified...
 

Sleeping

I remember a time when I slept like a "normal" person. My husband does, he hates when I keep him up, and here I sit at 6:49 am, been up all night again.

It actually wasn't even a bad night, not like the ones where you crawl,with your eyes crossed and a crazy glare, into a lukewarm tub hoping against hope the water will somehow stop the nerves from firing in random, rapid fire burst of agony. It wasn't the night where you twist and turn and are awake every 2 hours wishing, praying, swearing you will be better if the pain just fades and you can get some sleep.

Nope, it wasn't that kind of night at all, it was more, a wish my eyes were tired, wish my brain was tired, kind of night. And here I sit as dawn creeps up and through the cracks of my dark curtains, torturing the gentle soul, I know I was at some point in my life.

I think sleep deprivation makes you crazy, but I feel in charge somehow. I think it is in the knowing. Knowing the pain will come with the morning, knowing no matter how hard I try, this decrease in medication will continue to make me sick, and angry, and tired. But I also know at the end of the Road of  Blackness, there may be a light, just a little one, and I will see who I was again.

Will I sleep, no, not now, but soon, until the shock of pain, sears my sanity on the open campfire of Chronic Pain..

Losing My Mind

I made the decision to get off the narcotics, at least for a little bit. I can't function in the world any longer and I keep falling out of my life.

Its funny, one of those things they don't tell you, and I think they should. I think it should go something like this.
Dr- " So in addition to not being able to think, because we will have you so out of it some days, when the pain is bad, you may suffer from muscle spasms, frustration, sleeping problems, and you may drop out of your life for a few days."
 Me-" What do you mean drop out of my life? Life isn't like school, you can't just take days off."
Dr- " Well there will be days where you will be absent, you won't be dead, just out of the universe so to speak."
Me- " I don't understand"
Dr- "You will, when it happens, you will"

See then when those days came when you found yourself laying in bed, and it seems like you had been there for years, and it was pretty close to true, you wouldn't be surprised. The worst is when people ask you the stupid question, " So haven't see you in like a month, have you been in pain?" "No, been smoking a little crack and hiding under the couch, waiting for the zombie apocalypse." because I have a chronic pain condition and it randomly just stops bothering me and I start doing dumb things...

I need a life, and I am going to try a new scs, and then I am going to get a real life, where my brain works, and I don't stay awake all night. Where my math brain works, and my college life works again.

So in the meantime, I am losing my mind, as the drugs wear off, and I wish for a better life...