Its gonna be a day

When the pain is so great I cannot focus, I am grumpy and today is lining up to be that day. I can always tell when it starts, my shoulder tightens up, my neck spasms, and then the pain starts slowly climbing, and it becomes a painful scream in my arm. I am never sure how to handle the day until I wake up. Last night I was up until 3 am, when finally exhaustion overtook me. Like a theif in the night, the pain came with the morning, startling me out of a deep sleep. Here I sit telling you how bad the pain is, trying to hold on to the fact I am only 3 hours from my scheduled medication cycle. I can make this. I can survive. I think a nap, I will take half an ambien, then I can curl up and sleep the next 3 hours away. Stay with me, sanity. Its gonna be a long day...

What Now

Today I went to the pain clinic. I was wondering what was the next step, what do we try next, where is the next stop on the pain train. I wanted to know, but I was not finding out the answers I wanted. I talked to the doctor, and she said she did not know what the next step was. She was going to talk to Dr Ficks, and yes it is pronounced Fix. She said she just didn't know. The problem we have run against is that we have consistently tried everything, and it has not worked.
I do not believe I am the person who will live on pain medication for years and years. I want to believe I will wake up one day, and there will be an answer and the pain will be gone. I know magical thinking is not what is going to happen, but I still want to believe it will get better.
I want to wake up and go to work, I want my life back. I want to go to the gym on a daily basis and not stress that today, I will not be able to run the race.
I will not quit, these days will not beat me into a puddle of mudd. I won't allow the world to win. I will fight through those moments of black. I will make it a better day.

New Years Revolutions

So many people set themselves up for failure. This is called a new years resolution. Things like I am going to go to the gym more, eat less pizza, no more McDonalds. And some will abide by these resolutions like a fanatic to his guns, but most of us, we won't. So this year I have no resolutions, I instead am having a Revolution. My mind is in direct conflict with my body, which has decided, it hurts, so it has quit, while My mind is explaing we will win.

Yeah, its a hard place to be lol. But, since I am here. I will not allow a stubborn body to win, My mind and I will storm the walls, hurls stones at the waves of despair and we will come out Victorious.

They will be small victories, like 1 less pill a day. I will find a job, I will go to the Bible Studies. I will surrender to no small amount of despair or desperation. The Battle Cry is ringing out and my chubby thighs have been put on notice. Pain will not win this day.

Chronic Pain and the Public Eye

Yesterday was cold. It was one of those biting days, where the cold just sneeks in and bites you. Those are some of the worst days of my life. They cause me to cry, the pain is worse in the cold. But John and Jane Q Public look at me and they don't see the fire burning in my arm. They don't see the hours spent not sleeping, just sitting in your bed, waiting for the ability to sleep.
What is this blog about, its about those little handicapped spots, the blue area.
Yesterday, when I went to the store, I heard your little comment about "lazy" and "won't walk the extra 20 feet". When you see someone get out of their car, don't assume you know what is wrong with them. If I had done you a disservice perhaps you could be snotty, but I did nothing to you. I did not hurt you by walking across to the door. I did do my family a great service though, they had milk when I got home where before they had none as I was not able to leave home to get it. The pain was too great.
So when you see me or anyone else park in the handicapped spot and we rush into the store, don't get angry, just be grateful. Today you could shop, you could walk across the parking lot without pain. You could get a hug, rough house with your kids and not have to live with the pain.