Sanity is short spurts

I get sane you know, those days where its almost like normal. When I wake up like a normal person, pain level low, cheerful smile on my face. Yes, I get sane sometimes.
I go crazy sometimes, when it hurts so bad, you seriously wonder if the bread knife is big enough to cut off all of the offending appendage. When you walk through your house screaming at everyone, not because it is there fault, or because they are wrong, but just because they have the nerve to be pain-free.
I get cold sometimes, right down to my soul, when I think of all the things I want to do to the person who makes my body hurt. When the chill of life creeps up the back of my spine, and I think wow, I could be cruel..

Sliding Days

Have you ever noticed how the days seem to disappear from your life, when you need them the most? Those moments of absolute hope and joy followed by dejection, and then you try to find something to help you get out of bed, and it doesn't seem to be there. How do you live in a world where the roller coaster never stops? The great ups. The crushing downs. Who do you turn to?

The best advice I ever got from anyone was a college professor. I don't know she realized she was even giving advice, I would carry with me for the rest of my life, she was just explaining how to be more than 20, living at home and how to get through college. She stood before the class and she said "If this is really what you want, then you have to do 2 things to achieve it, 1-Reach out and grab it." I thought well that makes sense, if you don't grab something you can't get where you need to be. Then she said " And you have to figure out what you are willing to give up to get there". What a thought, what am I willing to give up to get there? When the world is screaming at me to stay in bed, I have to stop and count what I will give up if I stay where I am. Funny sometimes the world loses, but more times than not, I end up out of bed.

I may not have gotten that doctorate, but she gave me something better I believe, a reason to count the blessings.

Things I have learne

Just because you are honest, do not assume the rest of the world is. I keep having to relearn this lesson. I hate living in pain, but you adjust. I have learned the bread maker will knead my dough, so I can make my fav rolls, without hurting myself into bed. I have found the crockpot can be my friend when the weather is changing and I want to keep feeding my family home cooked meals.
Children are blessing, if you teach them how to cook, they are excited cause they are learning and you are excited cause it takes less work.
Not everyone has the same goals and dreams. If you run into someone who thinks your small goals are dumb, they haven't walked a mile in your pain filled shoes. They have never wished the doctors would just cut off the offending parts to make the pain leave your life alone. Avoid these people. Love the ones who hug you and apologize for making your heart hurt. They will be with you for along long time.

Pain and the immune system

I never used to get sick, and if I did it was a little cold, you just worked through it. Now I wheeze, I get pneumonia, bronchitits, the flu, if its out there, I will catch it.
How come they never told me when they were mentioning the list of ills, that I could lose my immune system?
There are color changes on my hands and blisters have appeared twice now, I have a funny little spot where the last one was. The pain clinic doctor pats my knee and tells me to hang in there, but sometimes its hard. So you work harder at cleaning your house, cooking dinner, planning the shopping.
It may not fix the pain, but having someone to talk to helps, and I owe 2 of my very special friends my life for that. They are there, sometimes when I can't leave my house, I can call and we laugh and talk for hours.
Did you know you are saving my sanity? Did you know i love you for all you do for me, and in case I don't say it enough

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You,