Forgiveness

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is forgiveness. Forgiveness of self is the hardest. First you have to find the truth living in your heart. The one you don't tell others, or even yourself.

I had to forgive myself for working long after I knew I was hurt. I knew it was bad. I had to forgive myself for being a workaholic. I hated the world, I was so mad at the company I worked for, who just dropped me like a hot potato after the insurance company paid me a little bit of money. Then when I was denied disability, the insurance company who was paying me convinced me I should try go to work, and so I tried it, not know they would immediately take away my disability payments. 5 months later when I couldn't work at all, and could barely get out of bed, I was broke, depressed and angry. They were amongst the last I forgave.

I forgive the people who forget where it hurts and who grab the painful area. I don't go to the hard areas. I forgive my family for the times they were angry and frustrated. I had to tell them I love them. I miss the days when the days were all good, and the days were easy.
I want to have my old life back. I want to go back to work, and cooking. I want to swim, ride bicycles, and work out at the gym. I want to travel with my family. Skiiing, Snorkeling, and snowboarding, I miss all these things. The hardest thing to forgive is the lack of a life.

Lazy Days and a thought about going broke

Its funny, funny-sad how you wake up one day and you are 30 lbs overweight. Its very hard to be the fat mom. I hate running out of breath when I run after my son. I hate those days when you are out of energy and trying desperately to be awake and yet being out of energy.
Its funny how when you wake up and you look around and see all the things you need to do, then you sit down and wait for the energy to get caught back up.
It never comes and then you wait, and you get a pillow. I hate this life. One doctor I had gave me NuVigil samples which really helped but when I got the prescription, I found out the cost was over $100. Since I can't work, I can't afford the cost.
I applied for Disability but it takes years to get it in place. First they told me I wasn't disabled, so I tried to go back to work, it took me almost 6 months to get back to where I was prior to the day they told me I could work, and I tried for 5 months. So I sit at home waiting to go broke, oh wait I am there. The government has trillions to spend on banks who spend millions on bonuses, but the little people are dying here.
Perhaps if I could get disability I could get back to physical therapy, and get back to work. Or maybe I should just ask for a bailout.

Missing Blogs

So as some of you have complained there are some missing blogs. They are not missing, it has been a long long month.
I have been busy trying to live my life. I needed to paint and as some of you know it is hard to live in pain and do housework. I hate the need to live in the insanity.
I take another pill, I fall asleep. I take another pill, I get grumpy. I hate this life.
I want to be able to dance, raise my arms and play. I want to paint a wall, clean my cupboards, and still have the energy to chase my dog through the park.
But I will try harder